The Big E

My husband has epilepsy. He was diagnosed when he was a little kid. He has generalized grand mal seizures.

A couple weeks after we started dating he had a seizure (I was not with him at the time). Over the course of the next few years he had some seizures. Maybe one every few months. I don't remember the details. But he had enough that it was scary. Our first year of marriage he finally found a good neurologist who didn't believe that having a seizure once every six month was considered managed. Technically in the state of Florida you cannot drive for six months if you have a seizure. Not being able to drive is not managed! For six months we did titration schedule after titration schedule. He would go a few weeks with no seizures then we'd be back to square one. It was a rough year. He couldn't drive for a whole year. We live in a small town outside of the town we work in and he works weekends and I don't. So it was rough, for both of us. Then finally they put him in depakote and we kept counting the months. First it was 6 months! Yay, he could drive now. I know I say it was rough for me. I cannot even begin to imagine how he felt. Having to be taken care of all the time and not being able to drive for a whole year. I would have gone crazy. I can't imagine how a man would feel. Then we counted the years. All the while I had in the back of my mind that he would have another seizure one day. It happens. Medicine can't stop everything. He will get sick or not get enough sleep or see one too many strobe lights. I just knew the day would come when he would have another seizure and it terrified me.

That day came a couple of weeks ago. And I immediately starting crying and shaking. My thoughts went back to how hard it was the first 6 months we were married and I did not want to go through that again. My husband was okay. I called my boss and went and picked him up from work and then started scheduling doctor appointments. Once I saw him, I wasn't as freaked out as I had been before. This one was different. It had been less than an hour since his last seizure and he was himself. He was alert and totally there. Normally after a seizure it's like he is in a fog all day, not really himself. But we both could tell this was different. That gave me hope that maybe wouldn't be back to square one. Maybe we wouldn't have to relive those first months of marriage, which would be even more difficult now as we have two year old.

Situations like this always remind me how glad I am that we go to church and have a community of people around us. Immediately we had people praying for him. We had a friend offer to drive into town to being his car home. Friends stopped by to check on him. I can't imagine what it's like to go through difficult times and not have this community.

For now, I am back to worrying about him more often than I have the past couple of years. But ultimately I know that God is in control. It sounds so cheesy, but it's true. Maybe he will never have another seizure again or maybe he will have alot more. I have to believe that there is a reason, even if I don't get it now.